If you only knew what I was going to say

I love when someone’s telling me a story about a conversation they had and then tell me something they said which totally kicks ass. And I’m like, “Oh my god!  Did you really say that?” and then they say, “No, but I was thinking it. I should have said it. “   Agreed.  Because it would have been so much more awesome than what you said.  And then when you tell me the story I won’t be disappointed in you, because what you actually said was lame and you know it.  That’s why you made up something else, because not only does it make the story exceedingly more interesting or even worth telling, but it also  makes you seem hardcore.  But like me, you’re not.  You’re probably one of those nice people that tries not to hurt other people’s feelings.  Because if you said what you wanted to say, it’s likely the person you said it to would be hurt or at the very least, you’d be in an uncomfortable situation.  Most people (like me)  avoid those because they’re (we’re)  pussies. 

Anyway, I’m now going to  list the things I was thinking and totally should have said in various situations I’ve had throughout the years.  I can’t remember all the contexts of the original conversations, but I’ll list what I said and what I should have said.  I think you can get the overall gist of the topics.

Said: You’re probably right about that.

Should have said:  I saw you scratch your butt and sniff your fingers at the grocery store once. That pretty much means that everything you say is dead to me at the exact moment it crosses your lips, which by the way, almost touched the fingers that were in your ass only a moment before.  I’m sorry, did you just say something? No matter, I’m not even sure why I’m talking to you.

Said: I’m not sure where it is. Did you retrace your steps? Don’t worry, I’m sure it will turn up.

Should have said: I stole it because I hate you and you don’t deserve it.  And worse, if you tell  anyone? I’ll kill you.  You didn’t appreciate it like I will, as evidenced by my willingness to end you if you try to separate us.  It’s exactly that lack of commitment that lead to you losing it in the first place. Think about that.

Said: Go ahead. No problem.

Should have said:  No, there’s a reason someone invented “the line.”  It’s what keeps you from going before me when you arrive after I do.  I think it’s a great system and when we adhere to it, I don’t want to kick you in the face. But if you’re one of those that feels that the line is just something for other people, then there’s really nothing we can do about my wanting to kick your face, even if you get behind me now.  I’m afraid we’ve passed that “point of no return.”

Said: I really should have been paying attention. I just looked away for a second…

Should have said:   Fuck. You just said ”watch him” not “keep him from doing stupid shit.”  And quite frankly, the attitude is going over like a lead balloon.  I “watched” the whole thing happen so I’m not really sure what your fucking problem is.  Just put some ice on it when he wakes up.  Then maybe you can teach the little guy about the dangers of electrical outlets (thought you would have covered that already, but whatever, parents do things differently in third world countries, too.)  I would have said something but that’s really something a parent should teach.  I didn’t want to step on your toes.  

Said: I completely understand.

Should have said: I completely understand you’re a tool and that it’s the entire reason you and I are having this conversation.  I can tell because of all the toolish nonsense flowing from your face hole that’s resulting in this riveting dialogue we wouldn’t otherwise be having.   I’m typically not violent, but I’m envisioning all sorts of devilish cartoon-pain for you right now.  For example, I’d like to peel your scalp off, set it on fire and see if I can throw it down the hall like a flaming frisbee of awesomeness, only to watch you chase after it in terror.  I’d like you to experience the full range of emotions from “Oh My God my head skin is missing” to “I cant believe I’m chasing my flying head skin” to most importantly, “Oh my god  I can’t believe I just stomped on my flaming headskin. Do you think they can put this back on? Oh my god, Oh my god.” Because in the end I believe you’d have no choice but to stomp it out. Hair burns quickly and the smell is awful.

Said: I don’t recall saying that. He must have misheard me.

Should have said:  Oh, that’s right. Yeah, I was lying about that because I sensed I was about to get into trouble. I learned how to do it when I was little and have become pretty good at it over the years.  But hey, remember that time I found goat porn on your computer?  Yeah, that was fun.  Anyway, let’s not worry about what I said, k?

See? I think the above alternatives make for way better storytelling and even give birth to whole new stories.  Because if you were to say what you should have said, it would just be the beginning of the conversation instead of the end.  And maybe that’s one of the other reasons we do it.  Either way, every once in awhile we should just say what’s on our mind and let the chips fall where they may. If for nothing else, to just once be able to tell the story how you’d really like to tell it.

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