So, What does a father say that’s found his 18 year old daughter on a porn video? More importantly, what can he say? how does one bring it up? How did he find it? What’s next? 
Dad: “Honey! Get in here!”
Mom: “What’s wrong?”
Dad: “This is really going to upset you, so you might want to sit down.”
Mom: “You’re scaring me.”
Dad: “Just watch.”
Mom: “Oh my god. Is that… Is that Sylvia?”
Dad: “It is. Can you believe it? Is this who we raised? Get her in here now.”
Mom: “Ok, ok, but you’re too angry right now and this is delicate. Let me take the lead on this. I know how to handle it. Put your penis away and I’ll get her.”
Dad: “Ok, but don’t be soft on her. I’m staying and I can’t promise I won’t say anything.”
Mom: “Ok dear, be right back. Wash your hands.”
(Mom enters with Sylvia)
Mom: “Your father and I are a little disappointed by something he found on the internet while masturbating.”
Sylvia: “Ummm… ok…”
Dad: “Lose the attitude, young lady. This is serious.”
Sylvia: “Sorry. What is it?”
Mom: “Is there anything you would like to tell us?”
Sylvia: “No.. not that I know of…”
Dad: “Really? You know, lies by omission are still lies. But you know that already, don’t you?”
Mom: “Steven, calm down. We’re not going to get anywhere if we yell.”
Dad: “Dammit Ethel, you know how much I love to masturbate to internet porn. And now that image has been emblazoned in my memory. Not only has she tainted my visual aid, I’m not sure I’ll even be able to fantasize anymore. And I just renewed my membership, too. Great. Just great.”
Mom: “Sylvia, your father works hard and he should be able to come home and masturbate while watching other men’s barely legal daughters having sex with multiple partners without having to see you doing it. You know how much your father likes to touch himself. Didn’t you think he might come across you and whatever those guys names were? And was that my scarf?”
Sylvia: “You… saw the video? Oh… This is embarrassing. I totally washed the scarf and I had no idea that dad was into barely legal…”
Dad: “It’s not about that, young lady. I shouldn’t have to update you on the ebb and flow of my fetishes because I expect to see you when I log on to watch people have sex. It’s true I’m more of a Cougar man, but from time to time I enjoy the… whatever. That’s not the point. How would you feel if you saw your mother and I having sex on the internet? “
Sylvia: “That’s really gross.”
Dad: “And your mom has told you about borrowing her things without asking. What is with you lately? And what if your grandparents see this?”
Sylvia: “You think Nana and Bubby watch internet porn? I think I’m going to throw up.”
Mom: “You know, dear, once that’s out on the internet there’s nothing you can do. When you get out of college and you go to your first job interview, how do you know that the person who’s interviewing you hasn’t recently masturbated to your video? You don’t. And then what’s he going to think about you?”
Dad: “I know what would happen if I was interviewing one of the girls I’d masturbated to. Next, please. Any girl that’s willing to have sex on video so that I can pleasure myself is not the type I want working for me. I mean, what if my customer recognizes her from when he was masturbating to internet porn? What kind of organization will he think I’m running?”
Mom: “It’s true. Just look at what happened to Paris Hilton and Britney. Their sex tapes ruined them. What are they even doing now?”
Dad: “Uh huh. Good point, Ethel.”
Sylvia: “Well, it wasn’t supposed to be on the internet…”
Dad: “Ohhh.. of course. That’s what they all say. Well let me tell you someting, young lady. Most of the sites I frequent make a mockery out of tricking girls to have sex with them on video. To us… I mean them, it’s just a big joke. When a guy or two guys or even four guys want to film themselves having sex with you, you can be sure it’s going to end up on the internet.”
Sylvia: “Wow, I didn’t know that. They said it was just for fun.”
Mom: “Men will say just about anything.”
Dad: “We absolutely will. Let that be a lesson to you. I can only hope you’ll learn from this and that I won’t come across any more of your work. Is that the only one?”
Sylvia: “Well, I did this foot thing once..”
Mom: “Oh dear. Did you at least wear a sock?”
Sylvia: “Well, no…”
Dad: “Dammit Syl..”
Mom: “Steven, it’s okay. Sylvia, we can’t make you not rub your feet on men’s genitals in front of a camera, but I think it’s fair that we can expect you’ll at least be safe. And now with the swine flu…”
Sylvia: “You’re right, mom. That was irresponsible. And Dad, I’m really sorry I ruined masturbating for you.”
Dad: “Well, you probably didn’t ruin it for me. I’m sure I’ll still do it, I just may have to seek some new interests. Of course, other than foot fetishes… (playful poke to Syl’s ribs.)”
Sylvia: “Yeah, you may want to stay away from lesbian sites, too.”
Dad: “What?”
Sylvia: “Gotcha!”
Dad: “You know, you’re not too old for some tickle torture.”
Sylvia: “Did you wash your hands?”
Dad: “Good one!”
(Group chuckle)
Mom: “Oh you two are too much. Ok, settled? Group hug.”
Sylvia: “I love you guys.”
Dad: “We love you, too. Anybody up for ice cream?”
26 Comments
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
Leave a comment
that’s sweet. In a twisted incestuous way.
What I was trying to pull off (poorly) was the hipocrisy of it all. Meaning what can a father say who finds this? Obviously, the above conversation never takes place.
um- I was being sarcastic- I seriously do not think there is a way to be sweet and incestuous unless you count Flowers in the Attc.
Yeah, I got the sarcasm part and wasn’t assuming you thought incest was sweet. I think this is the first post I’ve written where I was concerned how it would be received, and I couldn’t entirely tell from your comment if you were pretty much just grossed out and offended.
What. The. Fuck. You really should have ended this story, with a Group Tickle Session. PERV! =) *blows kisses*
That’s so where I thought he was going with it.
I think so, too. In fact, it was pretty much the inspiration for this post.
I thought about it, but decided it would be a little weird.
“Did you at least wear a sock?”
LOVE IT. Too funny.
Also, back in the days when my mother deigned to obliquely discuss sex with me, she always couched the conversation in confusing clothing-based slang.
“Remember if it gets … wet … outside … to make sure and wear a … hat.”
Gee, thanks, mom.
Oh, that is subtle. And awkward. Awesome.
Yep, creepy. Funny, but creepy.
Definitely creepy.
This was so sick and twisted! And awesome!
I get “twisted” a lot. Probably more than anything else. It’s nice to finally do something and get the desired result.
Sick, disgusting and HIGHlarious. Well done mayopie!
Thank you! I was really worried it was just going to be disgusting.
I felt a little pervy myself, reading that. Wasn’t sure if I should laugh. I guess it’s ok to laugh as long as it wasn’t my dad stumbling upon my internet scarf porn. Because it’s always ok to laugh at other people’s misfortune. Especially when it involves accidental internet scarf porn.
And that’s kind of my point. It’s also okay to enjoy watching someone else’s daughter having sex.
Mmmmm father/daughter tickle torture. How can something so wrong feel so right?
That part was just for you.
OMG! So wrong yet so friggin’ funny. Now I understand why you are attracted to the Bloggess. By the way, I am thinking my URL can totally be the website for whatever the daughter is on.
Yes, it’s no secret I enjoy the Bloggess and her writing. I’m a big fan and am glad I can work with her here and there. But I have to tell you, Steam Me Up, Kid is right up there. I actually have a post sitting in my saved drafts just gushing on her, but I don’t want her to think I’m creepy so I haven’t put it up. But for those who haven’t visited her blog, you simply must. She’s brilliant. It’s the only blog I go to where I’m literally stumped when I go to comment. It’s kind of unnerving, actually.
BLUSH! SQUEAK! I’ve zipped up my hoodie all the way and pulled the strings tight. I’m just one eye now. That’s “socially awkward” for flattered.
You’re like a social activist and twisted pervy guy all rolled into one.I often wondered how men can try to chat up and/or make lewd comments to or about women that are the age of their daughters. Don’t they make the connection? Because I have never felt the slightest inkling of lust for a teenaged boy or anyone that’s anywhere close to the age of my daughter. Actually, I wasn’t all that crazy about them when I was a teenager either. Let’s face it, teenaged boys are all gawky and awkward and smell funny.
I think I’m much more pervy guy, but I definitely let the perv fly here quite freely (moreso than I do in conversations, mostly.) I was a little worried about this one, though. I didn’t want people to get the impression that he was masturbating to his daughter, because that’s when funny crosses the line, even for me.
It’s a line you don’t need to cross as the implication is clear that he might as well be masturbating to his daughter – in my opinion. Guys don’t generally get that. I don’t think teenaged girls should generate sexual fantasies in anyone who isn’t a teenaged (or maybe very early 20s) boy. They may look womanly, but it should be obvious that they’re still children is most of the important, consent-related ways.