I think I’ll begin by apologizing. I’ve been misleading you. This blog, my message… everything. Nothing more than a clever ruse to draw you to my pulpit. I think there are enough people here now that I can unveil the real me and my purpose.
I’ve been given a gift, though it often feels more like a curse. My entire life, it’s been an incredible burden for me and those around me. I see things. Things that are going to happen. I know. This is why I’ve never told anyone. And unfortunately, I don’t have any proof because these are all things that haven’t yet happened, but as the end times approach, I know my visions will become reality. I simply couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t share it with the people I care about, despite the likelihood of being branded “insane.” Once I share my secrets with you, you’ll understand.
I’m not the only one who’s seen it. For centuries, people have foreseen the end of days. Our fate is sealed and any attempts to change our impending demise is futile, at best. I’ve seen everything and all we can do now is prepare as best we can.
Like many prophets, I get visions. Mine come in the form of extremely vivid and realistic dreams. Often I wake up screaming because I can’t tell the difference between the dream and real life. It’s horrifying. Their realistic nature is how I know that they’re just not dreams, but an eerie picture of things to come. And today I’m going to share my final apoctalyptic vision with you.
Despite what you’ve heard, it has nothing to do with global warming, nuclear weapons, meteors, floods… at least not the way my visions tell the story. First, it’s not happening in 2012. It happens in a year called “Dave.” Apparently, a couple of years from now, we get tired of numbers and start naming years (like we do hurricanes.) “Dave” comes right after “Jennifer.” And Jennifer will be a total bitch. I’ll cover that later.
At the end of Curtis (the year preceding Jennifer,) a major logging accident in the upper northwest will turn the Pacific Ocean into delicious maple syrup. In the months to follow, the Canadian economy will collapse from within, leaving most Canadian citizens homeless and unemployed.
As their entire population tries to migrate to the U.S., our border guards kill anyone that speaks French (we vote on that course of action and overwhelmingly agree.) France sees it as an act of aggression and a prelude of things to come. They respond by bombing Rhode Island with flaming donuts (though they’d call them “pastries,” which is one of the many reasons we don’t like them.)
As tensions mount, people begin walking around naked. I’m also naked, but they’re all pointing and laughing at me. David Caruso rides by on a unicycle yelling, “I like potatoes! You can too!” A small indian man asks me if I’d like some string for my toaster. I tell him I brought my own. My fifth grade teacher is there. She’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “I’m with Stupid,” but with no arrow pointing to “Stupid.” I find this very bizarre. “Where’s Stupid?!” I call out through the chaos, but nothing comes out but bubbles.
I've taken the liberty of depicting some other parts of my vision, but I couldn't fully determine their relevance so I excluded them. If anyone has any ideas about what these other images might symbolize, I'm open to your interpretations.
Inexplicably, you’re all sucked into the sky. I’m the only one left. There are peaches everywhere. I see a plastic dog. I ask if it’s seen my friend’s car. I spring to consciousness in a cold sweat.
The rest is fuzzy, but I can only assume I’m the only one who lives through it. It makes sense, as it’s the least I can expect for having to bear the burden of knowing. If I’ve frightened you, I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention. I just thought you would like the opportunity to mend fences, right wrongs, and know that the time you have left to seize life’s opportunities is running short. Good luck.
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Crap! My kids will be in college during Jennifer. I’m not happy about this.
Yeah… about college… well… forget it.
Well Dave doesn’t sound ALL bad, aside from the whole “being sucked into oblivion” part. As long as the donuts are at least somewhat edible after impact, I’m happy. Regardless, thanks for the heads up. And say hi to C3PO for me.
Yeah, it doesn’t sound horrible. Especially with the abundance of peaches. I think I’ll be okay. And just because you’re all sucked into the sky doesn’t mean you necessarily die.
Did you have some day-old Taco Bell right before bed last night? Because day-old Taco Bell should not be eaten. Especially before bed. Plus, I think you need a vacation.
As my brother once told me after I threw up from eating left over Taco Bell, “There is no such thing as ‘left over’ Taco Bell.” It’s an eat or discard kind of food.
Taco Bell has a shelf life of about 32 minutes. Except for Cinnamon Twists. They can sit and bask in cinnamony goodness for hours.
I’m liking the killing the French-Canadians part…and an ocean of maple syrup sounds mighty tasty…most Canadians are already homeless and unemployed and our economy has pretty much flatlined anyway, so I can only see this as a win-win apocalypse from my perspective. Bring it on Dave!
I feel the same way, especially since I’m the only one left. And the French-Canadian thing was inevitable. I think we all knew that.
lunatic fringe….
This is why I’ve never said anything. They said the same thing to Nostradamus. Then they poked him with sharp sticks. I think. I don’t know what they did to him, but people back then could stab you if they thought you were crazy.
Not today they wouldnt. Its shabby chiq to be crazy now. At least your visions are cohesive and I actually took a moment and thought of that stuff happening. Now who’s the crazy one…
Too bad it doesn’t rain pancakes. That ocean of maple
syrup would totally come in handy during a pancake storm.
How did you know about the pancake storm? Huh. Unfortunately, that happens well before the syrup thing. Another one of god’s cruel jokes.
I think you misunderstood the French bombing of Rhode Island with donuts. They’re a little navigationally challenged — they were clearly trying to dunk them in the Great Maple Syrup Ocean. (I know, should have been pancakes but they don’t travel as well as donuts.) Come on, doesn’t that sound good? Flaming donuts dunked in maple syrup?
It’s a good thing you included a horizon line in your illustration of excluded dream images, otherwise it just wouldn’t make sense.
(Our posts today both feature “I’m With Stupid” references. The end is nigh for sure.)
I know. I needed to give it the same sense of realism that was portrayed in the vision. If everything was just floating, it totally would have lost that.
I have visions too – but mine are more fragments. I actually turn into 3CPO in later years. It all makes sense now.
Oh… so that must be you. I forgot to mention that 3cpo stays with me as my robot assistant. Don’t worry, I’m pretty easy to work for.
Hmmm. You didn’t take that mr. natural you found in that old yearbook you found, did you? I told you, that press release was for “LDS Reconciliation,” not LSD reconciliation…..No? Or take ambien, and cooked up elaborate desserts in wee hours of the night, like my friend Caren?
No? Hmmm. We’re in trouble….
ipodlesley
I wish I could comfort you by saying it was drug induced, but no, the vision was all me.
This explains so much. Actually it doesn’t but I wanted to sound cool.
Have you seen these? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/14/the-most-inappropriate-ha_n_317731.html I’m sure some of the people who google your site do it wearing these costumes…
Mmmmm…. that does sound very Frenchy and delicious. But often it’s misunderstandings like these that spark wars.