So… I’m on top of this building, scanning the street for crimes, organizing my iPod (which, by the way, if you haven’t downloaded Pearl Jam’s new album then you don’t deserve to have an iPod and yes, I will come to your house and take it from you) and something occured to me: I can’t turn my head in this stupid outfit. I have to turn my whole body when I want to look at something. It’s so stupid. I mean, a little lycra in the neck area would have been so much smarter. Anyway, I decided I was going to change it, but the assholes in marketing at Wayne Enterprises other crime fighters think it’s a bad idea. “Branding” or something. Whatever. Don’t worry about me. Just out there saving the city every night. Plus, who needs to turn their head when they’re fighting eight super villain minions at once? Sure, I’ll just swivel my entire body instead of my head. Much more convenient. Hate to tarnish the “brand.” You’d think that getting stabbed in the side of the head would tarnish it a little more. Assholes. Fuck ‘em. I’m doing it.
And fuck already. Do we really still need the bat signal? How about a text or an IM? Or in addition to not being able to turn my head, would you also like me to stand at my window all fucking evening? Jesus. It’s 2009. I think we can move beyond the Paul Revere warning system. “No Batman, it’s so much easier to drive down to the station and climb up on the roof than to text or call.” It’s no wonder you people need protecting. Also, wouldn’t it be neat if the bad guys didn’t know I was coming? I know, I know. My safety and comfort aren’t really your concerns. Sorry.
And another thing. Why can’t we just have normal criminals? Why does everyone have to have some kind of theme? (said the bat-masked man-lol) But seriously. I have Bruce Wayne a secret identity to conceal. But what about the Penguin? That dude is soooo freaky. I mean, he’s actually part penguin. WTF? And then there’s the whole problem of me loving penguins. How do I reconcile that? Yeah, he’s a super villain, but he’s also part lovable penguin. It sucks. All I’m saying is when he’s about to execute his city-wide plan of terror and mayhem, I may find myself a little conflicted. Same thing if we’re ever attacked by kitten or hamster man. I think they’re ok, but you never know.
Shit. Almost forgot. This is kind of important. When the joker shows up and has another creepy parade with big floating balloons and is throwing out money? He’s totally going to gas you. Dumbasses. I shouldn’t even need to tell you that. So here’s a little rule: When you see the Joker, run for your fucking life. Think you can remember that? Here’s a mnemonic device if you can’t: WYSTJRFYFL. Write it down and put it in your wallet or make a bracelet or something. I swear, Batman or babysitter? Sometimes I just can’t tell the difference.
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Actually, nipple lights are an accessory everyone could use.
I wish I had something witty to say but I can’t because I’m laughing to freakin’ hard. Thanks by the way- the cops are staring at me in Starbucks trying to determine if I am a normal loon laughing her ass off or if they need to tackle me.
Wait I take back the sarcastic thank you- that one’s kinda cute.
You’re welcome.
Seriously. The city of Gotham should at the very least send out a pamphlet with these tips to all of its residents. And maybe a gas mask or two.
Agreed. Like, how about a little help? Ingrates. All of them.
That was funny. Not a good thing to read while practicing work avoidance as laughing out loud while typing letters in an accountant’s office is not the norm and is a HUGE tipoff to unsanctioned internet activity. Huge as in the opposite of your current codpiece.
Work avoidance is one of my favorite hobbies. Just tell your boss you were reading his last e-mail and couldn’t help yourself.
Maybe if we all just dressed up as half-animal, half-clown…there’d be no more crime.
And I totally think the bat symbol should be replaced with like, a message that says, “RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE, DUMBASS.”
Because apparently, they haven’t caught on that BAT = TROUBLE.
Love that your twitter feed includes Twitter Error message. Even Batman deals with this crap…
But Jessica’s suggestion triggered a kneejerk reaction–half-furry, half-clown–Yikes! Batman!
Two things:
1. For nipple lights, I suggest halogen. To illuminate the villains from further away, like when they are still outside your dive radius.
2. Instead of bat signal, suggest to Comissioner Gordon that he open a Twitter account you could follow.
No need to thank me.