Butthole Wallpaper

Welcome to another exciting installment of  “Why are you here?”  And as always, I don’t believe this edition will disappoint. People are genuinely fucked up.  And it’s not like many of them are even looking for an answer, rather making a proclamation.  I’m not sure what most expect to find, but I guarantee they’re always disappointed when they end up here.  I’m not, though.  I’m glad they do, because they’ve become a great source of entertainment for me and my reader.  So let’s get this party started.

Butthole Wallpaper

Of Course.  Who hasn’t wanted to cover their walls with buttholes?  I mean, at least in the early nineties when butthole decor was all the rage.  As many designers will agree, the butthole is one of the most underutilized design elements in the industry today and will undoubtedly make a comeback by 2010.  Fashion is cyclical. You may have not noticed this, but I don’t sell butthole wallpaper here.  At least not yet.  Today all I can do is salute your design choice and offer some accessory advice,  like adding a papassan chair or two. Pink or brown, depending on how you like your buttholes and, of course, consider the other accent colors you’ve chosen.  Good luck and we’d love to see some pictures when you get done with the remodel.

squeezing “my penis” with my hands

Thank god.  I’m extremely glad you included quotation marks around “my penis.”  We wouldn’t want google to think you were gay.  But okay, I’m game.  You squeeze “your penis.”  With “your hands.”  I’m not sure what you’re after, but it’s in my nature to help those in need.  All I can do is relate my own experience.  When I squeeze “my penis” with my own or even someone else’s hands, I typically enjoy it.  I try not to squeeze too hard and advise those squeezing my penis to do do the same, as that’s when the level of enjoyment decreases.  It’s really all about attaining the right psi, and if you’re nervous about the right amount of pressure, better off just leaving it to yourself. Other people don’t have the benefit of feeling your penis pain. Remember that if you ever run into a situation where you’re squeezing “someone else’s penis” with “your hands.”

Do guys watch Grey’s Anatomy?

*Inserts hands in pockets, whistles and looks to the sky*  Shut up.  I only watch it for the articles.

Is this hamster testicles?

Put the hamster down and back away slowly.  Also, no one knows what the hell you’re looking at, but we are afraid.  If you don’t have a hamster, I’m going to say they’re probably not hamster testicles.  If they are and you don’t have a hamster, then I’m calling the police.  And if it’s your testicles you’re asking about, then I’m very sorry. 

men likes to lick its own underwear

It… does? I think you’re going to have to kill it.  I hate to be the one to deliver this news and lay this responsibility at your doorstep, but you made the discovery. You’re it.  I’d recommend doing it while it’s licking it’s underwear.  A) It’s distracted. B) It’s justifiable.  Maybe even self defense.  Anyone licking their underwear in close proximity to you is dangerous.  (Disclaimer: Mayo Pie and it’s affiliates do not endorse killing people, mostly.  Please exercise caution when dealing with those that lick their own underwear.)

Are we all going to die from robots taking over?

No. Not all of us. At least not all at once.  Some of us will be batteries, others will lead the futile resistance and some of us will become traitors and work for the robots (if they’ll have me.)  The point is, most will die, but not everyone.  I hope that makes you feel better.

before fuck urinate is better its true

If you needed any more proof that yoda reads my blog, here it is. And not only because it’s in yoda-speak, but the wisdom behind the statement could have been only put forth by a Jedi Master. 

yes, i really like your car. no, I don’t.

Fuck you, then.  I don’t appreciate your sarcasm.  My car is awesome.  And now that I know how you really feel, I’m never going to drive you anywhere.  Asshole.

im busy hating you

Back at you, fucker.  I still haven’t forgotten about the car remark.

my friends tell me I smell like urine

Well, at least they’re telling you rather than avoiding you altogether.  That’s what I do with my urine scented friends.  This search term just as easily could have been, “I have no friends because I smell like urine.”  You must have some other very redeeming qualities. Focus on those. 

how to make my penis glad

Penis depression is very serious and telling it to “pull itself up by the boot straps” never works.  It only marginalizes its sadness and can often lead to even deeper, sadder thoughts.  Often it’s based in self-loathing or a low self worth, so you might want to have it volunteer at a soup kitchen or take it to an assisted living facility so it can read to the old people.  Good deeds will make it feel better about itself.  Also, tell it how big it is.  They love that.  And if all else fails, buy it a little hat.  I can only speak for my own penis, and often it speaks for me. We’re tight like that.  But we both agree that a miniature hat for penises would kick ass.

That’s it kids, but only because this post is getting too long. There are some incredibly odd people in this world and I’ve apparently built a giant magnet. Awesome.  Until next time, David Caruso.  (Really wanting more David Caruso searches. Caruso. Sunglasses. Tilty head. CSI. Douche.)

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