So… I’ve mentioned before that I’m Jew-ish. Here’s how I became so. My family on my father’s side is Jewish. My family on my mother’s side is… not so much. So what happens when these 2 people get married and have children? Well, according to jewish law, the mother has to be jewish in order for the kids to be jewish. The only thing that can negate this is if a bad jew and a christian decide to completely ignore it and have a four minute conversation to raise the kids jewish. Cuts through all the red tape associated with a lengthy conversion, scrutinizing from the family and community, etc.
As it turns out, raising a bad jew is even easier and requires almost no teaching. First, the pork thing only applies if you’re not fond of pork. If you enjoy pork, don’t sweat it. Pig is tasty and god (if there even is a god, according to bad judaism) wants you to lick it. Second, Hannukah takes too long and has no Santa, so feel free to celebrate Christmas provided you take out the Christ. I call it “Hannamas.”
Then you have days like today: Yom Kippur. Today is the day when we don’t eat for some reason. Good jews all over the world are starving today. But a bad jew might have just polished off a pb&j in one hand while writing a sacreligious post with the other. Said bad jew is probably even stuffing potato sticks into his mouth while being semi-careful not to get grease on his keyboard. He’s probably even eyeing a Hershey’s bar right this second.
“So, Mayo, this religion of yours sounds awesome. What do I have to do to become Jew-ish?”
Done. Welcome aboard. The first order of business would be to leave work. You’re not supposed to be working today, and while a bad jew would, one of the benefits of being a bad jew is the extra holidays you get to take off. And though leaving work seems like the good jewly thing to do, you’re really just using judaism as an excuse to not work. This falls well within the confines of what a bad jew would do. But if you’re feeling too good jewish, go eat some delicious ribs.
“So, if I begin to practice bad judaism, is there anything I have to do?”
Yes. Well, at least according to my father. You must rent Schindler’s List. Apparently, even bad jews must see this movie to maintain any type of jew status. On the most holiest of days when we’re supposed to do nothing, my father will sit in his office nomming on bacon while lecturing your bad jewish self about not having yet taken the time to watch this film. If you have no jewish lineage whatsoever, this is a must to complete the conversion process.
“I’ve seen it.”
Not me, but only because I hate sad movies. Also, bad jew gets worse with each generation. If you decide to raise your kids bad jewish, they won’t watch it, either, but it won’t be a requirement. All you have to do is tell them they’re jewish.
“Anything else?”
Hell yes. Here’s a list:
You get to use words like “schmuck.”
You are now amongst the most persecuted people in history. Use it to your advantage.
Mel Gibson hates you now.
You’ll probably start complaining more. It’s called “Kvetching.” We do it so much we had to make up a word for it.
You should have more money now and an excuse to spend less of it. If you don’t believe me, call your bank and check your balance, being sure to complain kvetch about service fees to the manager before hanging up.
And there’s so much more. Let me be clear: I’m not trying to convert you. A bad jew would never. We don’t care. That’s what makes our religion so awesome. I’m simply stating the facts and if you’re with us, great. If not, great. More Hannamus cookies for me. Whatever you decide, may the force be with you. Vagina.
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I have a headache. I think it’s the Jew in me angry that I ate bacon last night after sundown.
Also, you forgot to mention “The Ten Commandments”. No Torah, no hebrew school, just Charlton Heston. That’s all you need to know about being a bad Jew. Bad jews also need to watch “Ben Hur” to learn about Christianity. Then you’re done.
I can’t believe you haven’t seen Schindler’s List, yet.
Since he hasn’t seen it, I’ll summarize…
Oskar Schindler is a dickhead, but OMFG HOT. (Liam Neeson. HOT.) Then, he gets all OMFG, they’re killing the Jews? WUT? I must save them. IDK if it was a religious conversion or some shit…again, Liam Neeson is HOTTTTT, so I cannot be expected to pay attention to the details.
So, Schindler is like, CHECK THIS SHIT, Y’ALL, and sets up some scam where he can save Jews. He has to like finagle the shit with Ralph Fiennes who is a dirty Nazi boy who is very much in need of a spanking. They chill out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool, and they work out a deal so Schindler gets some Jews for his factory.
Schindler is a devious mofo. In addition to being OMFG HOT, he is smart. So he’s STICKS IT TO THE NAZI MAN by coming up with ways to save these Jews. And he saves like a metric ton of Jews. And he remains sexy while doing so.
So. Now you don’t have to watch it. You’re welcome.
dont forget about Ben Kingsley who’s a BAMF and helps out his HOTTTNESS Liam Neeson
My two eldest have some (tiny tiny amount of) Jewish blood in them somewhere up the line on their father’s side. They find this a source of endless fascination and strange mysticism.
I plan on doing a dramatic reading of this post –so they will know their rights and responsibilities as Jews– to them after I have practiced enough to not snort laughter while reading it.
pee ess….why the mother’s side? I was patently unaware of that there rule
In this one thing, Jewish custom uses matrilineal descent. (Judaism is one of the most patriarchal religions in the world, FTR.) It’s based on Hebrew scripture.
And with that, I will resume irreverence.
I heard from a very knowledgable Jew that it is matrilineal because at least you can tell who a kid’s mother is, whereas the father can and might be questionable.
…. I completely need to steal your life. I want food! ….and 46.44 dollars. but not the point. anyway, I’m stealing your life. you’re welcome. Now you can have another one!
This totally cracked me up!
thank you, that clears alot up for me…I try to practice what ever religion gets the most days off from work…Jewish-ism is in the running.
Do bad Jews circumcise?? One can only hope.
Wow – it’s like we grew up in the same family.
I am an even more bad jew. I am 1/16 jew-ish on my fathers side. But I have eaten Kugle so that makes me a bad-ass jew-ish person. Also do you know about Koogle.com it is a kosher google.
So, basically, I keep doing what I’m doing, and I’m Jewish? You know, Clayopie, you have read my blog. You know that I struggle with metaphysical shit anyway. Am I Hindu? Am I Christian? Am I a rooster worshipper? Now you’ve thrown Judaism into the mix. Great. JUST WHAT I NEEDED – ANOTHER RELIGION TO PONDER. Of course, this one seems like it’s in keeping with what I already do, so probably it’s not a big deal really. Plus, I’ve watched Schindler’s List like a dozen times. Because helluuuu? Ralph Fiennes + Liam Neeson = brb rubbing one out, even though I’m supposed to be all like HORRIFIED by the plight of the Jews and shit.
Top *that for irreverence, bitches.
I love Ralph Fiennes even though he played an asshole. “The English Patient” OMFG. Any more and I’ll gross out the bro.
OMFG is right. I love that movie so much, even if it is like 12 hours long. I try not to watch it often as I am forced to weep for pretty much the last freaking hour of it.
first of all – thank you steph, for the SL recap. i now want to be jew-ish. bad jew-ish. because i can’t give up bacon. secondly, i need to remember to NOT be drinking anything when i read Mayo’s posts. hot tea out the nose? not so much fun. and the coughing afterwards!?! wait. can i be jew-ish if i have no jews on either side of my family?
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
I. Have. Never. Been. More. Proud. Of. My. People.
Mazel tov!
we broke”fast” last night with bacon.
I didn’t really understand Jews…until I married an Italian.
TOTALLY makes sense now.
http://www.booshy.wordpress.com
Do bad jews get to say “Oy Vey”? Cause added to Shmuck that really makes it more appealing.
We had a little bit of Jewish in our religion. What’s “our” religion? you say..well that’s the religion that my Mormon raised Mother and Catholic raised Father made up. Not only did they make up a religion where we were not allowed to practice one single “pagan” holiday but they had a group of people who followed them. We’ve done the sunset to sunset fasting..gathered in the parks and washed each others feet. My dad acted as the high priest of sorts, where his followers heeded his advice. Nope we weren’t a cult, cult’s are for crazies. We just washed each other’s feet once a year. Because of our lack in celebrating traditional holidays we were constantly asked if we were Jehova Witnesses..uh no we celebrate our birthdays. We observed the Sabbath on Saturday, where in the honor of not working during the Sabbath we were allowed a break from the oatmeal we ate 6 days a week and were rewarded with the hassle free breakfast of cold cereal..but we weren’t Seventh Day Adventist as we eat pig. There were all sorts of things like the American Flag, Santa Claus, Easter Bunnies and the shape called the Heart that was against our religion. However every single year at Christmas time we watched A Christmas Story…even though we had to turn off the tv when Holiday commercials aired during commercial breaks. Will teach those holiday pushing corporate bastards. A remote would have been nice. God blessed me the day I learned the words non-denominational, so that the relentless asking of my teachers (who’s job it is to accept that I have freak parents that made up a religion and not hold against me personally), on what our religions is all about would come to an end.
Wow. Cathormonism with some jew on the side, complete with an annual footwashing. This might be the closest thing to a real life “Festivus” I’ve ever heard. I thank you.
Finally, my childhood has a purpose!
We are Jew-ish at our house, but only when the Jehovah Witnesses come around.
Hey, I’m out to offend every reader I have this week too… we have a bond going now, which means even though I was raised eight different kinds of Catholic/Christian, I can totally shout Schmuley cause that’s my new battle-to-LMAO-cry. When the Jews all come to my house with expired Macy’s cards in protest, I’ll tell ‘em you said it was OK. So thanks for that.
Oh, yeah, and Schmuley.
Sign me up for the whole bad-jew thing I have seen Schindlers List (didn’t make out while watching it like one really naughty Jew did) but I might have fallen asleep a few times because it is really long.