Diggety. I’m a little excited. Every so often I’ll do a post on my favorite search terms and they’re just getting better and better. In fact, some of these are my favorite of all time. I always learn a lot when I do these, first and foremost how twisted my blog actually is. Secondly, search engines baffle the fuck out of me. And lastly, some people should not have access to the internet. Or oxygen.
How these updates work is I go through, pick some of my favorites and then I just write. Many times when I post I have no idea what I’m going to write about, so it’s a little bonus for me when I begin, knowing that very soon I’m going to get to address a subject as exciting as…
molest nun tubes
You win. I quit. I can’t top this. And this is coming from a guy who called a nun an assfucker when he was 3. I thought I held the title for all time nun offensiveness, but you have shown me that I am a mere amateur when it comes to disgracing the sisterhood. And kudos to you for describing having sex with a nun in such a unique manner. I tried to come up with a couple myself, but yours is way better. I’m not even going to try. I bow to your genius. Or raging insanity with a touch of serial killer. Either way, you’re clearly my kind of people.
Things not to put my penis in
Really? Wow. Though I’d love to list the various things you shouldn’t put your penis in, it would probably take considerably less time than listing the things you should put your penis in. However, that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun, so here goes, the list of things to avoid inserting your penis into:
Richard Simmons
Salad
And never….
Guess I was wrong. That’s pretty much it. Everything else is fair game. Have a good time.
she’ll leave you. all women lie
Bitches.
I pee into my own mouth
Welcome to Mayo Pie! Now please leave. Wait. I have a couple things I’d like to say to you before you go. First, search engines aren’t confessionals. Second, even if they were there are always some things that even God does not want you to tell people. You see, people are not supposed to pee into their face. That’s why it requires so much effort to do so. Unless you can do it without standing on your head. Then you’re clearly gifted and it becomes a little clearer to me why you are bragging about it on the internet. But even having a giant penis can be offset by the fact that you consume your own waste. Most women I know find that a turn-off. I think. I’ve never actually asked a girl, “so, what do you think about guys that pee in their mouth? I’m kind of on the fence, myself.” It’s not exactly an issue that comes up too often, but we can go ahead and perform an unofficial survey here. Ladies?
How to guess if my mouth is smelling
Did you pee in it?
Super Vaginas
Like, vaginas with special powers? Yes, they all have those. Their most potent strength being their ability to control the male mind. They also seem to have a gravitational pull and I’ve heard that some even shoot lasers.
What will vinegar do to my penis?
I’m not entirely sure, but here’s what you should be asking: Why do I want to put vinegar on my penis? This is really more your problem. I’m not sure you’ll find the answer, but I have a couple of theories: 1) You’re insane 2) You’ve already applied the olive oil and are just exercising a little caution before you complete your penis dressing. I thought that maybe you had spilled some vinegar on your penis, but then you would already know what happens to a freshly vinegared penis, so I had to throw that out as a possibilty. This is clearly a case based on your curiosity, which makes me want to play inside your head for a couple of hours. Meanwhile, if you just have to put your penis in some kind of consumable liquid, try something with a little more viscosity like chocolate milk or egg nog.
Why do my man’s balls smell like pee?
OOO!!! OO!! I know! Because he lets them soak in urine all day? Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Please read this and good luck. Mayo Pie: trying to help men get more blow jobs since 1973.
That’s it for now, kids. And there are more, so much more. And to the rest of you that show up here on search terms like the one listed above, please comment. I just have to get to know you a little better.
20 Comments
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
Leave a comment
So what exactly are ‘nun tubes’?
Another good one my friends. About the whole vagina power thing… They also have the power to ruin lives and make a man feel invincible (when clearly he isn’t)
Cheers
I don’t know if I’m a “lady” but I have a vagina so I’m going to go ahead and vote: Peeing in ones own mouth = weird and gross but maybe also a good party trick (it would have to be a very specific kind of party though). Also, I prefer “I pee into my own mouth” over “May I pee into your mouth” a hundred billion times over. It’s all about perspective.
I could answer Apryl’s question, above, but then my Catholic friends would have to kill me….
The vinegar-on-the-snake COULD be applied in the event of contact with jellyfish or that stinging microbe/algae whatever we get in the Gulf sometimes. Vinegar=alkaline…I think…so it neutralizes some stingee stuff. I have heard that pee serves similar function, but can’t say as i’ve tested it. Buena suerte on that one….
In second grade(ish) I told a nun that she was going to hell because she wasn’t Baptist. So much for my parents’ dream of sending me to an elitist prep school. I think I beat you out on that one, so please send me a prize.
I think you forgot to add ‘pencil sharpener, esp. electric’ to the list of things that you should never, under any circumtstances, put your penis into. And maybe Super Vaginas, too, because I’m an intelligent, empowered female and that shit sounds scary to even me.
Clearly the guy who asked about the what not to put is penis in, salad, is the same guy who had vinegar on his penis….In which case, I think he needs to stop googling things this instant.
As I said to you yesterday, I am fricking jealous that you have rad search terms. Clearly, I need to mention vaginas much more often on my own blog.
Peeing in ones own mouth = fuck no. And I’m not a prude believe me.
Thats just not right, but theres a whole underground pee in your own mouth group I’m sure they were looking for.
Can I assume if a guy can pee in his own mouth he can also fellate himself? Because that’s pretty cool — for the guy — for anything else he’s a weirdo freako. But I did, peripherally, know someone once who could do that. I love to share that story.
Um, I don’t think that’s an assumption you can make. Peeing into his own mouth wouldn’t require contact between mouth and penis, just good aim (or hanging upside down + gravity).
You’re probably right, but I thought it was a topic worth bringing up on Mayopie’s blog anyway.
Please share.
Anything that might gross out my brother is welcome in my book.
Ok. He was very flexible and very well-endowed. I think those are both pre-requisites. Also he had some mental issues. And he was in jail. I heard about him through the guards. He would do this for hours in his cell. Lay on his back, flip his legs up and over his head..waaaay over until the groinal area was parallel to the facial area. A little lift of the head and some help of the hands and bob’s-your-uncle. Hours of fun.
I’m calling the GYNO right now because my fagina does not shoot lasers. Should it? Fuck. Is it broken? Now I’m worried.
Man, and I thought my search terms were whack.
That said, I totally want a hoo-ha that shoots lasers.
It’s good to have goals.
You forgot to mention the vaginas with teeth.
I’m saving a whole post for those.
Pie,
I knew I loved you for a specific reason and the reason is this–My favorite word is AssFucker. It’s simple, it’s kinda disgusting, it gets tot he point, and there’s really no come back worthy enough to top it. So, you automatically win. And I like winning.
And also? My vagina used to shoot lasers. But it only worked 4 times. Or wait, maybe those weren’t lasers, but children. Hmm. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
It’s an awesome word and obviously one of my early favorites and yes, not much can top it. I’m also fond of “suck my balls.” It’s more of a phrase, but also effective. It would be extra impactful coming from you. Give it a try and let me know.