The Matrix has you. You are in an amniotic goo pod. There are hoses connected to your entire body. There’s a metal probe inserted into the back of your head transmitting simulated images of the life you think you are living. Your family, friends and job are nothing but digital representations to distract you from the fact that you are a battery fueling a world run by machines… and it was all William Shatner’s idea.
You now have a choice. The red pill or the blue pill. If you take the blue pill, you’ll wake up in your bed and none of this has happened. But if you take the red pill, you’ll find out exactly how deep the rabbit hole goes. (Ok, I really don’t have any pills. But pretending is fun and I urge you to take some kind of pill. It will certainly add to the entertainment value of this post. Please See Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal for pills.)
I should probably tell you before you take the pill that you’re going to wake up sticky, naked and baby smooth. It’s going to be awesome. And if you’re lucky, freshly filled with liquified dead people. It will be way better than the food you’ll get on the Nebuchednezzar, so you may want to eat before we come pick you up. We’ll wait, because even though Zion is at stake and the machines are burrowing their way to our underground city, we don’t want to be pushy. That’s what separates us from the robot masters we fuel: Politeness. Take your time. By the way, the mirror thing is better than riding Space Mountain on acid. I think you’re going to love that part. Between you and I, Keanu acted like a little bit of a pussy when he did it. Very unbecoming of “The One,” if you ask me. Sorry. Eat up. Fresh parmesan? That’s how mom used to make mine. I know. Eating. Go ahead. But I’m telling you, liquified human without parmesan is like salad without dressing. Ok, fine. Eat it your way.
Now that you’re on board, we have to rebuild your muscles, get you some hair and introduce you around. There is a hole in the back of your head. Don’t pick at it. I said don’t pick at it. I know. It’s hard. I did it, too. Have a seat. This is going to feel a little… weird. I’m going to stick a probe in the back of your head now. Gotcha! That wasn’t the probe. I can’t believe you fell for that! Just kidding, everyone falls for it. It’s a hazing thing, but it never gets old. This time it’s really going to be the probe. Seriously. Stop wiggling or you’re going to be a vegetable. It’s time to get you briefed:
This is the Architect. Creator of the Matrix, and most things that are pure evil.
This is TheBloggess aka President Admiral of Zion, creator of sunshine, puppy cuteness and clouds that look like animals.
I am Morpheus aka Going to get sued by William Shatner
This is Neo, “The One” and who we need to #unblockthebloggess and save Zion
This is the Bloggess army (not an actual photo of the Bloggess army)
And this is Agent Smith aka philmonger, minion to killer robots (Boo! Hiss!) and founder of the #keepthebloggessblocked movement.
That’s right, while you were in a coma enjoying your human smoothie, William Shatner was blocking the Bloggess from his Twitter Account for being awesome. Maybe she offered him hookers (which in my book is a reason to follow someone, not block them. ) The full story can be read here TheBloggess and Follow up because it’s 4:07 a.m. and I lack the lucidity to tell it. And she’s way better at it, anyway. I’ll wait. Maybe grab a little snooze. Wake me when you get back.
*twitches while William Shatner chases me in dream with what seems to be some kind of fish, perhaps a carp.*
After reading of the gross injustice, I logged on to Twitter and began a succession of tweets that would eventually result in a revolution (and everyone on twitter hating me.)
William Shatner wants you to be homeless.
William Shatner comes into your house while you’re at work and kicks your pets.
William Shatner isn’t lactose intolerant, but lactose can’t tolerate him.
Then, people were re-tweeting like crazy. Everyone on twitter started doing it (by everyone I mean at least 17 different people.) And then it happened: TheBloggess declared her undying love for me in a tweet:
Holy Shit! I love @mayopie. That’s what a real minion looks like.
Now, those that are on twitter know that we only have 140 words to express ourselves. That’s why it’s important to not only read the tweet, but the inference of the tweet. I think I’ve mastered it. What she actually said was, “I want to have your children, @mayopie.” If you’ve been using Twitter for awhile, I think that’s how you also understood it. I’ve taken the liberty of generating a computer model of what our children will look like.
Later I sent her a direct message asking if I could do a post on this whole debacle, to which she responded:
You should totally do it. Your tweets were brilliant.
What she meant was, “I’ll be on flight DL 487 arriving at gate A12 at 8:47 a.m. Then we will never be apart. I love you.”
So I made a sign and went to the airport. She hasn’t seen me before, and it was important to remain low-key while ensuring she would recognize me. I couldn’t have a sign with her name on it for fear of being mobbed. Subtlety was the order of the day.
I think she missed her flight, but I’m sure she’ll be on one any minute now. So the next day I decided to start the #unblockthebloggess campaign, and unbelievably, like the day before, it caught on. Everyone started doing it. Awesome.
Then I had a meeting with “The Oracle,” who in this story is played by a homeless woman that lives at the airport. After several minutes of me trying to bend her aluminum cans with my mind, she offered me this advice: You better stop looking at my cans or I’m going to cut you. After putting it through my twitter translator, I came up with, you must get Stephen Colbert. He is the one. The Oracle only ever tells you what you need to hear, nothing more.
And here we are #GetStephen. I promised everyone in the army a mention on this blog and that is happening, just not now, simply because of the amount of you and time is of the essence. This story has just begun and to those that remain persistent, I thank you. What we have to remember here is that I am a fan, The Bloggess is a fan. And even if you don’t say anything bad about William Shatner, please just use #unblockthebloggess at the end of your tweets.
Zion, do you believe in fate? Last week, before all this happened, I asked the bloggess a question on her advice column. I’ve done this several times, but this is the one she answered:
· Is watching the new Star Trek going to in any way taint my love for William Shatner? I really want to see it, but if I watch it I’m afraid when I think of Captain Kirk I’ll be thinking of that new guy. I do not want to live my life that way. Please help. ~ MayoPie
If one movie can taint your love of the Shat then you never really loved him to begin with. These are the rules of Shatner. -TheBloggess
Ask The Bloggess (and you totally should. If I’m going to let her have my children, it’s the least you could do.)
But if this doesn’t convince you. If based on what you’ve seen and read so far on twitter, on The Bloggess, my continued warnings here that killer robots are coming to enslave you, then maybe, just maybe you’ll believe this: My avatar for the first several months I was on Twitter before changing it to the all knowing, incredibly talented Rick Astley.
I shit you not, and many of you may remember it. And that, Zion, is indisputable proof that the prophecies will come to fruition.
We will not waiver, we will persist. We have to get Stephen Colbert. He’s entrapped in the Matrix. He is, “The One.” #unblockthebloggess #GetStephen @StephenAtHome.
Scroll down to #unblockthebloggess. Copy and paste the e-mail I wrote to Neo, using the Subject Line: Neo, you are “The One.” I urge everyone to do this. His e-mail is colbertweb@gmail.com. You might want to link to his article to expedite having me sued.
I’m really tired. This post is probably littered with mistakes as it was written in a state of delirium, so I apologize. I just want everyone to remember that we are Shatner fans, and in the end, Shatner will become a twitter legend. PLease use #unblockthebloggess regardless of whether or not you bash the Shat. The Bloggess is a fan. She does not want to hurt him. Nor do I. But “William Shatner likes sunshine” is not going to get the job done here. To ignore the movement will not help the Shat, or theBloggess, or me since I’m probably going to get fired.
Soldiers, I love you. Friends, family (love you, too,) I appreciate your patience and ask that you do not hate me for my determination in this pursuit. I’m fighting for you. It is William Shatner that wants to enslave you to charge his iPod, only to eventually liquify your corpse and feed it to your neighbor.
-Morpheus
#unblockthebloggess
Update: If you are not on twitter, all you have to do is drop an e-mail to colbertweb@gmail.com
Subject Line : Neo, you are “The One”
I’m sure they get a million e-mails. If the same subject line keeps coming up form different places, they will take notice. You can copy and paste this e-mail if you want:
Dear Mr. Colbert-
You may or may not be aware of a revolution taking place on Twitter and we need your help. William Shatner has blocked a dear fan from his twitter account, an accomplished blogger and brilliant woman. It was covered by MSNBC here http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32408652/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets/ You can read her story at http://thebloggess.com if you click the army link in the text, that’s me, mayopie. I’m the white rabbit. Please help #unblockthebloggess. You can also receive more details at http://mayopie.wordpress.com where I give some details on the loose plan.
This is taking over Twitter right now and could be a very, very funny show. Captain Kirk Vs. Captain Colbert, any child’s dream. You are the one, Neo. Follow the White Rabbit to #unblockthebloggess and bring peace to the Twitterverse.
-Morpheus
Anyone can do this. Tell your friends and family. If we can get 500 – 1,000 e-mails in addition to the noise on twitter, WE CAN DO THIS. At the very least, get his attention. It’s noteworthy that #unblockthebloggess is dominating trending topics and it’s not a trending topic. The theory is the word “the” (a glitch planned by the system’s architect because… THE Bloggess. That’s how deep this goes. I’m beginning to think she’s The Oracle and that homeless lady was actually going to cut me. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m open. But the point is, noise! Twitter is dominating the news. MSNBC already took notice. A follow up is in order. There is plenty of steam here until William Shatner does #unblockthebloggess.
You people are awesome!!!
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1. Our kids are totally hot.
2. Your brilliant talents are wasted on this futile campaign but that really only makes it funnier.
3. Stephen Colbert should hire you as a writer.
4. My husband says I’m not allowed to talk to you anymore.
#UnblockTheMe
We can stab him. I’ll do it for you. (I can’t believe Victor’s intimidated by me. That makes this whole thing worth it.)
You should get William Shatner to stab Victor. He’ll totally do it because HE IS EVIL.
Love,
Chuck Norris
Okay. I am going to need a PO box number for you. Because you REALLY need these sleeping pills and muscle relaxers more than I do. But that was bloody awesome. In fact, I haven’t seen as much awesome as #unblockthebloggess since all of the nerdfighters took over youtube/pwned Oprah/simultaneously blenderised about 100 birthday cakes and drank them on video for John Green’s birthday collab. You have officially achieved complete insanity fused with awesome. <3
-patientes
Mayopie is the virus …. and I am the cure. Tweet #keepthebloggessblocked
( @philmonger)
I’m not sure you completely understood my tweet, Phil. Unless you join-up with #unblockthebloggess your girlfriend will never do “that thing” again. Seriously. She’s with us.
Love,
Chuck Norris
Holy fuck dude! I almost just got fired at work for reading this post!! My boss came over with some paperwork and I was like, “go away, I’m reading something totally important right now”. He walked away, but if I had been challenged, I’d have totally been fired.
You rock. LOVE IT!!!!
Peedee,
Getting fired in the #unblockthebloggess movement would totally be worth it. Thanks for fighting with us.
Love,
Chuck Norris
Nice job! I expect a cell phone delivered to my work and you telling me to go out to the first floor window and wait for the eventual downpour of red pills. Or was it blue pills? If you’re not sure, we can compromise on green pills, I’m okay with that.
…and by green, I mean purple. But you knew that.
OMG! Mayopie is Rick Astley in a bunny suit & he’s off his meds…
I don’t like Phil.
#UnblockTheBloggess
It’s ok. You don’t have to like Phil. He’s probably doing to die single and alone and probably go to Hell for supporting William Shatner. I don’t know if you heard but Jesus has been on our side since the beginning. Mayo Pie could probably give you the exact date/time Jesus joined up. Seriously.
joan of ark reporting
I’m enlisted and reporting for duty!
The agents have severed my connection. I am now forced to use my iPhone until I can find another hardline. The propoganda of Shat continues.
I’ve done some more research on Shat and am pretty much convinced that 6 pack rings were made by the Shat to destroy all sea life. It was only discovered later that cans would fit in them. I used to think sea life was referring more to ’sea monkeys’ but found that sea monkeys are allergic to all plastics and can get your girlfriend pregnant. The moral of this story is to use aluminum foil. It works well for cooking fish (just wrap the fish in aluminum foil with butter and a lemon. Cook at 375 for 40 minutes) and you can strain things with if if you poke enough holes in it, like sea monkeys for example.
Seeing as how I must conserve my energy and my battery to get out of the matrix I must leave you all to our President Admiral. May the Schwartz be with you.
Bender (@PolygaMormon)
Bender,
Good work uncovering the truth about the plastic 6 pack rings. I always knew a total jackass was behind those, I just never expected Bill…at least, not until this came up. I should have known.
Love,
Chuck Norris (@PrincessOfForks)
Your children scare me.
–The Wookie (I should so have gone for an actual name instead of a generic member of a species. Meh. I blame the Shat.)
i just wish @philmonger wasn’t so darn handsome… it would make this so much easier. and though i can’t add a twibbon without covering up my beautiful maggie’s face (which is so NOT an option), i’m still fighting the good fight with you.
-Ninja
oh, and ps, i have never seen the matrix. am i out?
-Ninja
The only facts you need to know are as follows:
Neo is played by KEANU REEVES – and is an expressionless loser who just happens to be able to break the rules slightly more than others.
Agent Smith (thats me) is an immensely re-quotable badass ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agent_Smith ) who we all love to see be evil. I guess now you can see the problem, and the reason to #keepthebloggessblocked.
Because Smith says so.
Smith being me.
Ahem.
Keeeeeep up that smack-talk, Phil. Do you hear that sound? That is you. Rushing, head-long into HELL. Repent! The Bloggess is merciful and will forgive you for your sin of trying to #keepthebloggessblocked.
Love,
Chuck Norris
you know, this whole battle we’re in? It is, thankfully, distracting me from the very real redundancy situation I find myself in currently.
Redundant. You know, like as in ‘William Shatners ongoing attempts to ignore The Blogges Revoluation is redundant.”
I knew you’d understand.
p.s. I once met Ricky Astley’s dad. True Story.
I am not on twitter -but if this protest goes to the street, I’ll be there. Oh, I’ll be there.
Deidre,
I’ve brought this war to the street via word-of-mouth since the beginning. Feel free to tell your friends, family, coworkers, Applebee’s server and Starbucks barista the “truth” about William Shatner. Just slip it into casual conversation. Saying things like “Crap. I just broke a nail. Clearly, William Shatner is at fault here.” and then everyone will be all “WTF?” and THAT’S your opening to tell them about the evil of William Shatner and spread the Gospel of The Bloggess. Seriously. I totally did that last night at a family dinner and everyone was totally appalled that William Shatner uses orphan tears instead of motor oil in his car. BUT they were even MORE shocked to find out that William Shatner murdered my grandfather (which is totally true and all I’m waiting for is the evidence to come in and then? That’s right, I’m going to Larry King.)
So, Deidre, the moral of this story is that A) William Shatner is evil and must be stopped and B) I am awesome. That’s pretty much all you need to know.
Love,
Chuck Norris
A) Clearly. B) Noted.
It’s Tyler Durden, bitches!
Down with Phil. And the Shat.
Also, I believe all utterances of Shatner should be said a la Seinfeld saying Newman.
Double also, Mr. Smith has wacky looking eyes. Someone should poke them. At least one of them anyway. That would be The Matrix Mr. Smith and not Mr. (Phil) Smith. He has regular eyes, apparently. Verdict is still out on his character though.
On that note, I’m off like a prom dress.
oxox, @HeadPantsNow
Tyler,
I am an excellent eye-poker and am volunteering to poke Mr. Smith’s (BOTH Mr. Smith’s…unless Phil changes his mind and leaves the Dark Side) eyes. Of course, I would provide them with eyepatches because I am kind and because pirates are awesome.
Love,
Chuck Norris
I hope we have better uniforms than those pictured above, if we become a more formal army. Other than that, every seems just about right.
Shatner doesn’t know what he’s gotten himself into…
Lt. Ellen Ripley
Weyland-Yutani Corporation
(That would be Ripley from the Alien franchise, in case you aren’t a total sci-fi fanatic. *grin*)
Bruce Lee reporting for duty.
I have been giving the Shat shit all day,
My personal faves…
*Russians Beware! @WilliamShatner joins Sarah Palin & spies on you from her backyard. @StephenAtHome #unblockthebloggess #getStephen
*William Shatner is 2 blame 4 heatwave! He uses Aquanet & created the damn hole in ozone! @thebloggess @StephenAtHome #unbloclthebloggess
*Capt. Kirk gave Mr. T the phrase, “I pity the fool!” #unblockthebloggess *Dont let my pic fool U I’m Team Bloggess, I just have soft heart!*
Tits McGee, reporting for duty, sir!
Nice.
I’m sitting here listening to Billy Mays scream about fixing scratches in cars. I have to turn the volume down on my TV because hes just SO loud. I’m pretty sure Shat showed him how to do lines of coke off hookers ‘large tracts of land.’
Also, I’m concerned for your health soldier McGee. Have you had kids? Did you know that you’re more likely to develop cancer if you haven’t had any? I don’t know the odds behind this but it must be real because i saw it on a Priceline commercial.
Basically what I’m trying to say is that you need to get laid. I’m sure that won’t be a problem in an Army such as this. But again, the reason there is an Army such as this is because of the Shat. And your future ‘Shat Child.’
Don’t forget your 6-pack. Also – I heard Shat uses the 6 pack rings to kill fish.
Bender
Reminder : it is not too late to join the side that is **ACTUALLY WINNING**
#keepthebloggessblocked
I mean, jesus.. It’s like a Ron Paul convention here
Phil,
You’re probably going to get attacked if you keep that up. Not by any of us…but there are BEARS here, man. BEARS. Maybe even a jackalope or two. And just in case you missed it: if you ever get mauled by a wild animal “for no reason” it’s because it thinks you’re William Shatner. Seriously. Watch out.
Love,
Chuck Norris
Oh, good. You caught me on camera. I’m the second row (or is it column? No, row.), right at the very edge of the frame. I had on rather uncomfortable shoes that day, but I don’t think my facial expression reveals my discomfort. I’m 1000% for the Bloggess. No, actually, 100%, since there’s no such thing as 1000%, unless you’re really into statistical manipulation. And I’m not, because I’m The Academic.
I’m pretty sure the Oracle is my favorite part of this whole saga. Seriously, I want to meet her.
Love,
Chuck Norris
Chupacabra reporting for duty, sir!
I was appalled to learn that William Shatner and Phil Monger are behind the electrical/mechanical issues that brought down the Library of Congress website today. They have threatened the very fabric of our democracy today–along with Palin and Gingrich–and they must be stopped!!
Am I the only one who noticed that one of the automatically generated/possibly related posts here is “William Shatner reads Sarah Palin’s tweets?” If that doesn’t add insult to injury, well I don’t know what does.
Update:
Shatner has posted to his twitter. He answered some fan tweets, too.
He is ignoring the whole load of you
I’m just going to leave this to rest, less anything change.
Agent Smith
Viva la revolution! Loving the site, love the campaign, so loving all the hilarious tweets. How can Colbert say no? What can the Shat be thinking?
Unblock the Bloggess!
Sonja
PS. I see a primetime interview coming
You are the SHIT! Where’s the line to have your babies start?
I call seconds!!!
Okay, who can Photoshop?
The Obama/Joker poster needs to become the Shat/Joker poster & I’ll glue them all over H-Town… or my people will.
C’mon photoshoppers, DO YOUR THANG
#unblockthebloggess
This whole WAR business isn’t going to be bloody is it? Cause, I really hate it when grown men cry.
Ok, that’s a total lie. I dig it when men cry. BUT only when it involves midgets and mexican donkey shows. those moments are precious.
So, killing Shat.
Then killing Victor?
then eating a kitten.
Damn, I got a full schedule.
So you’ve seen grown men crying at Mexican donkey shows? I’m just wondering what Anissa was doing at a donkey show.
Color me curious.
yep, pretty sure I just peed my pants. It’s William Shatner’s fault.
When my driver picked me up at LAX Sunday night after arriving home from Vegas, his sign said the same thing, “Let’s do it in the car.” It was William Shatner. That motherfucker. I don’t care what prices that asshole negotiates. If he don’t love The Bloggess then he don’t get no lovin’ – it’s the simple law of reciprocation.
Mayo, my commander in chief in this war against injustice, tell me which pill to take and probe me once more for good measure and I am ready to do battle.
I love the Bloggess. What time shall I pick you up at the ATL airport?
I hope you’re training yourself for a good time. I just did Vegas and held my own in the world of Jaegar Bombs and Red Bull – drinks I’d never had before.
I can’t help but wonder the following: Does Mayopie have a job? Does MayoPie ever sleep? That’s all.
What? You think running the Bloggess Army is a part-time job? Pffft.
To my army buddies twittering……your making me glad I got out of bed today.
Ya’ll are making me lmao!!
oh and #BA
Let’s Do it in the Car!
HAHA!
If William Shatner read that, he’d think “it” meant “algebra” when you’re clearly talking about TRIGONOMETRY!
Also, wth is this new #ba? Does it replace #unblockthebloggess ? (??)
Xena,
“unblock” and “the” were holding us back from trending. Seriously. I know, I know. WTF, Twitter? So now we’ve switched to #ba which would have been helpful in the beginning because let me tell you…I could have used those extra characters to bash the Shat. Oh well. I’m pretty sure @williamshatner made the rules for trending topics.
Love,
Chuck Norris (@PrincessOfForks)
f*ck – I don’t have to wear green to be in the army, do I? Because I look shitty in green.