I like being naked

I have a problem.  It’s one I’ve not experienced before and I’ll have to admit to being a little confused about what I do next.  Maybe you know someone with a little experience on this issue and if so, please share.  It may be more common than I know, but just one of those things that guys don’t talk about when it happens to them.  I get it and I really don’t want to talk about it, but my concern outweighs my fear of embarrassment.  I also have tremendously thick skin (in most places.)

I’m going out of town this weekend with a lady friend (ahhh yeahhh.)  And since we’re doing something beachy, she wanted to get a little base tan.  I, having no understanding of the need to be brown, silently went along.  On the way to the people bakery she was explaining the process, as I have never been in a human oven before and was never planning to do so.  I’m not one of those that will just lay in the sun.  I like the sun, but I hate baking in it like a lizard.  If I’m going to cook my face,  I’m going to be doing something fun in the process (like look for shark’s teeth or throw stuff at guys wearing speedos. )  My point is, my simple brain needs to be entertained to distract me from the fact that I am being broiled. 

Anyway, the particular salon we went to had stand up booths and I had no idea that these things even existed. I’ve seen tanning beds, but was unaware of their vertical counterparts.

Me:  So… you just stand there naked?  

 Lady Friend:  Uh huh. 

 Huh.  Just stand there naked.  That sounds pretty cool. I love being naked and I’m not too terribly opposed to standing  (even less so if I’m naked.) I also recently acquired a wicked farmer’s tan last week while tooling around on my motorcycle, so I thought this might be a good opportunity to even things out a bit.  And if I hadn’t mentioned, I was going to get to be naked in the middle of a strip mall.  That’s only happened once before and let’s just say I was the only one that was okay with it.

This is not me, just so you know. This falls into the category of something I would not do. I mean, I wouldn't take a picture of myself tanning, but obviously I would tan because I did, and I'm not saying I won't do it again, though before I would made fun of me. And it really has more to do with enjoying being naked in a futurisic pod in a strip mall and for that I will not apologize.

So we arrive, I strip down and apply my one-time sample packet of $7.00 bronzing, emulsifying, anti-aging super-fied tanning lotion that I can only assume (based on its cost) is extracted from sasquatch liver. So there I am in the little dressing booth. Naked. Greasy. And loving it.  In my mind, I already had my money’s worth.  And into the oven I go.

It was pretty weird, but the combination of heat, naked and a cooling fan felt…. almost therapeutic.  I never thought turbo-cooking my flesh could be so enjoyable.  It would have taken me three hours to damage my skin to this extent in the sun, but only 8 minutes later, I’m toweling off and getting dressed. So I come out and say to the attendant:

Hey, that’s pretty neat.  I didn’t know they also had a little drain that you can pee in.

She didn’t think it was funny, but little did she know that I didn’t care.  I specifically designed that joke for her discomfort. If you’re going to charge me $7.00 for a ketchup packet sized sasquatch liver oil,  you’re lucky I didn’t actually pee in the booth.  But maybe she would get the last laugh after all.  Because on the way home, something didn’t feel right.  I was noticably uncomfortable. 

Lady Friend:  What’s wrong?

Me:  I… think I burnt my junk. 

 

Lady Friend:  (Gut wrenching laughter)  Didn’t you put lotion on it?    

Me:  I was supposed to put lotion on it?  

Lady Friend:  Yes!

Me:  Oh.

Now, I did have this debate in my head before the session began.  Should I rub lotion on my penis?  That was the real question.  I was going to, but not because I was worried I was going to burn it.  I was naked and holding a packet of  lotion.  I’ve been here before and I know what I’d usually do in this situation, but I had limited time and I wasn’t entirely sure what their policy was on masturbating in the booths. There were no signs posted or anything, and I didn’t see anything in the brochure.  And if I do start applying lotion to my junk for any reason, things are going to the next level.  I can’t even help it.  That’s where things are headed.  I decided it would be best to play it safe.

Now, why it didn’t occur to me that the most sensitive part of my body that’s really never been exposed to direct sunlight  in fact may need some protection, I really don’t know.  I’ve never applied tanning lotion to my unit, and was unsure if that’s even advisable.  I just don’t go slapping any old substance on there, mainly because I’m trying to avoid a burning sensation (I’ve learned this the hard way.)  And now I’ve burnt my penis simply because I didn’t apply weird lotion to it.  That’s a lesson in irony I would have preferred to learn a different way.  But the real lesson I learned  is this: Sometimes masturbating in a strip mall is absolutely necessary.  I think some people owe me an apology.

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