There’s really not much else to say. Ok, maybe a little elaboration is necessary, but I don’t even think so. This one’s a no-brainer. I read an article a couple of months ago regarding artificial intelligence and how AI scientists believe that a terminator-style rebellion is a possibility. If that’s the case, I would like to go ahead and switch sides now. Sure, call me a traitor. I’ll remember that when I’m a killer robot assigned to carry out your painful death.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I want to kill people (or at least most people.) It’s simply a matter of survival of the fittest. We have thumbs so we climbed to the top of the food chain. Robots have bad ass metal thumbs that will crush your face. And they don’t even need a food chain. We’re in big fucking trouble, for sure.
If you saw iRobot with Will Smith, then you saw some bad acting coupled with poor dialogue. But what you also saw was the first law of robotics: A robot cannot harm a human. This isn’t just in the movie, this is the actual rule of the industry. However, it seems that the most practical and current use for robots is for the armed forces (also known as the not people hurting funtime club) and I seriously doubt they’re building servant robots like the one in Rocky III that Uncle Paulie reprogrammed to have a sexy voice and bring him beer. In fact, Israel just developed a robot snake for military use. This is because non-robot snakes, while scary, simply lack the discipline required to function in today’s armed forces. Israel clearly broke the code on snake warfare. Threaten to sick a robot snake on me and you can call me your pee-soaked slave for eternity (unless I was a killer robot. Then I would be on its team. See? There is a method to my madness.)
So here’s the problem: When a robot is being built, several engineers develop the software and no one is really sure how these different applications are going to react to or work with one another. Not to mention, in any group of people you always have a nutso (Yes, even in a group of robot scientists who were probably never beaten up in school or made fun of for their inability to fit in with dumb people.) Because of the “unknown factor” (of which there are apparently a million) the machine could become self aware and begin making decisions like, “why is this tiny-brained fleshy thing telling me what to do? I think I’m going to poke it in the brain with this awesome claw and make it stop working.” Though in computer it may look more like this: 000001 1001000 0001001. This is binary code for “I’m going to poke it in the brain.” And you’d never know it. You’d be like, “00001? Ahhh.. it’s trying to say something. What does that…” and your brain would have robot metal in it. By taking some preventive steps today, you can still end up on the right side of this.
The most famous of all the robot taking over movies has to be “Terminator.” Here you have a cybernetic organism disguised in living tissue. They started with a robot and added skin, but I’d like to start with me and add the robot part. I know they can do it. They did it in RoboCop (and that was like 1987,) and I think this is a little closer to what I’m looking for. I don’t need my face though. I think I’d prefer a robot face. I don’t know. I’ll decide when I get there, but I’d like to shoot lasers from my eyes. If I could keep my face and shoot lasers from my eyes, I might do that.
Here’s the deal people. I don’t want to scare you, but robots are going to kill you. Not today, probably not tomorrow, but it’s going to happen. And forget the movies. We will not win this war. My phone is smarter than I am, so I’m not going to pretend that a Schwarzenegger size computer with a mission to destroy me is going to fail. He will track me down and kill me, and I for one and am not going to just sit and wait for that to happen. When he shows up at my place, I’m going to be like, “Cool. Let’s roll. You want me to drive and you shoot people or do you want to drive and I’ll shoot people? We can take turns on the way to the mall. We can kill some people there and I also want to swing by Florsheim and get some gel inserts to offset all this extra weight.” And when I do become a robot and have to kill you, I’m doing it. There’s no way I’m going to compromise my robot status so you can join the human rebellion and kill my robot friends, so don’t even ask. I may let you become a robot, but no tricksies. You’re going to have to kill people, too.
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I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.
No, wait. 1001011011110101. Yeah. Take that, meaties!
Yeah! 1001011011110101! (Please excuse our language, this is obviously a hot button issue.)
Wait a second. You’re going to be a battery. There’s no backsies on that decision. And once you’re a battery, you can’t be a killer robot. But you’ll still be useful to the robot overlords, so it’s all good.
True, I did want to be a robot battery before, but I’ve always been ambitious. Every time I think I’m where I want to be, I always want more. When I’m a killer robot, I’ll probably want to be Killer Robot Supreme, then Robot God. Hopefully by the time that happens I’ll be ready to settle down.
Well, if you’re not going to be a battery, what am I supposed to do with all these people I’ve been collecting to liquify, not to mention the ones I’ve already taken care of? That’s very inconsiderate of you.
Do robots have good sex? If so, i’m game.
They will when I become a robot.
I don’t even know what to say to this. I was thinking I could point out that robots don’t have emotions which sort of precludes the idea of them needing to dominate anyone, but that seems entirely too serious.
So, instead I’ll just sit here and think about how you and Mr. Farty effing up binary means some programmer just died a little on the inside.
I hope it’s not the programmer in charge of designing killer robots. I may have just royally fucked myself.
This is fairly well researched and thought out. Your thesis is sound and your conclusions seem logical. There is only one small flaw in your argument and it is this: I don’t know what you do for a living, but since you are humorous and able to write clear, communicative prose, I assume you are not a techie, science geek. So, what makes you thnk that the vast population of techie science geeks are going to help non-techie science geeks like you become robots? No way. They’re going to only turn themselves into robots and crush all the artsy, non-technie science geeks like you. That’s what I would do if I were a techie science geek. So, clearly the best course of action right now is to either become a techie science geek or enslave one with hypnosis or sexual favours who will do your bidding when the time comes.
First, nothing I write is fairly well researched or thought out, but thank you. I’m in advertising for you and others that might be curious, but not the kind that’s fun. And you’re right, I’m no techie geek and probably not first on the list for human to robot conversion, but the jocks are going to feel the full rage of the robot revolution first. And it just so happens I have 3 programmers currently enslaved in my basement (though for reasons having nothing to do with this post.)
If I tell you your post is fairly well researched and thought out, by jimminy the least you could do is agree with me. I was once in the non-fun advertising field myself. And then I ran away to government. So, anyway…good to see you’ve done some pre-planning. Me, I’m just going to give in to my robot overlords and let them have their evil way with me. I’m relying on my incredible sex appeal to help me convince them to luse me to propogate the planet with more kill fodder
Binary solo!
0000001
00000011
000000111
00001111
Oh, oh, oh, one.
Come on sucker, lick my battery!
That was awesome. Did you just write that? It has a good beat and you can dance to it. I think we’ll keep you too. Even robots need music.
I’m glad you’ve found your followers here because I honestly don’t know how to respond to this.
This is by no means a threat, but once I become a killer robot, it’s best to be on my side. I’ll likely be able to communicate with the other robots via wifi or some sort of mainframe brain sharing kind of thing. My point is, as the hybrid human robot, I’ll probably be highly respected and be allowed to keep my favorites. Don’t worry, youre in.
If you become a killer robot, I’m going to tell Mom.
I guess we know where I’ll be stopping first after my robot upgrade.
Also, Robopie looks a little gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
RoboPie is not gay! (not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
[...] can I be a robot, [...]
Ummmm…. ok.
If you work out that whole “keep my own eyes but be able to shoot lasers out of them” thing, let me know how you do it. I’ve failed miserably at learning enough hypnosis to be able to make my daughters go to sleep when I snap (which would be *so* useful when they’re still up and something good comes on TV that I want to watch, but they shouldn’t), BUT being able to use my eye lasers to melt their plastic toys right in front of them oughta give me some get-your-butts-in-bed leverage.
Of course I’ll only have a limited time to enjoy this before being killed by a robot.
[...] those of you who have read my posts I want to be a killer robot, too and You want me to be a battery? Sure… are well aware how I feel about killer robots and [...]
[...] a robot that eats dead people for fuel. We also know that many AI engineers believe that a terminator style machine rebellion is quite possible. This is all 100% factual. Anything else? Oh yeah, now they’ve made one that can jump [...]
Killer robots are known for their lack of consideration. I’m practicing. That being said, I will still need liquified bodies to sustain my human batteries. And the good news is, you’ve proven to be very useful to us and I see a future for you in the robot world. All that work has already paid off.
Oh, well that’s alright, then. Carry on with your plans, sir.