My Heroes

Everyone has a hero.  I have several and for many reasons, all of which I will list and explain why each kicks ass.  In many cases, these are just regular people.  In other cases, theyre’ extraordinary. I’ll let you decide which category they fall into.  These are not in any particular order, but I do have my favorites.

1. Skinhead who punched Geraldo in the face

This guy gets big props.  Yes, he’s a nazi, and at first I’ll have to admit to automatically discounting him and his message, but the fact that he was debating Geraldo left me conflicted.  I mean, how bad can he be?  This is why you can never judge a book by its cover, because sometimes it’s a man’s actions that define him (I learned that in “Batman Begins.”)  This is one of those good deeds that erases 100 bad ones. Sure, he hates jews, african-americans, and pretty much anyone that’s not a scary redneck, but this is one debt to society I call “paid in full.” I often wish there was a fantasy camp where you could pay your money and punch Geraldo in the face, or at least pet the skinhead that did it.

This isn't a result of the blow, but a specially designed face brace engineered to act as a counter weight for his moustache.

2. Martha Stewart’s attorney

Thank you for not being Johnny Cochran. The way you couldn’t keep her from going to jail? That was tres’ good. If I ever need an attorney, it won’t be you, but you’ll always have a special place in my heart for sucking at what you do. Was it fun when you told her she was going to jail?  It had to be. Thank you, bad attorney.

3.  Anyone who has ever hurt Michael Vick

This is an ongoing list that includes other football players, judges, prosecuting attorneys and anyone in prison that had the pleasure of ass raping him. I live in Atlanta and was a huge Vick fan (until I found out he’s a puppy torturer) and anyone that says he should play in the NFL again isn’t thinking. Many times, convicted felons don’t get hired or at least don’t get the best jobs. Agree or disagree (which I typically disagree,) it’s a fact. That’s why they list the question on job applications and run background checks on prospective employees. It’s up to the organization. Now, the NFL is a virtual “Who’s who” of convicted felons, but bring him back and I’m gone like Donkey Kong.

4. Michael Phelps

That guy knows how to hit a bong.  His form is amazing.  And he has the absolute perfect body type for bong hitting (almost like a dolphin.)  The long torso and wide frame indicates excellent lung capacity. I’ll bet it would take me 4 hits to equal his 1.  He’s clearly a natural. Some people will never be able to hit a bong like that.  I had this made into a poster for my room and my friend asked me if I was a swimming fan, and I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about? What do bong hits have to do with swimming?” Then I put my hand to my mouth and did that thing that people do when they accuse someone of being drunk, and then he told me that Michael Phelps is some awesome swimmer or something, to which I repled, “Oh. What a waste of talent.”

5. Woody Harrelson

He attacked a photographer because he thought he was a zombie (he can also do awesome bong hits.)  That in and of itself makes you worthy to be a hero of mine, but what if it was an actual zombie?  No one else even lifted a finger.  Everyone just stood there and let Woody wrestle the undead artist all by himself.  From his perspective, that thing was about to go on a brain binge. It makes total sense. Wherever people congregate there are photographers. Plus, zombies always have their mouths agape and have crazy bloodshot eyes, so they’d need something to put in front of their faces. Think about it.  But what we’ve all learned from this is when zombies do figure out that photography equals lots of fresh brains, the Woodster is who you want to roll with at weddings.

What a difference a camera makes. The rest is consistent with an actual paparazzi. Overweight, stained shirt... with a minor investment, zombies could go literally undetected.

6. The zombie photographer

Talk about overcoming adversity.  Being a zombie is no small hurdle when pursuing your passion for annoying celebrities so I can know what they’re doing.  Bravo, zombarazzi, you’re an inspiration to the undead everywhere.

 7. Everyone who has never seriously said, “That’s money.”

That’s right. You too can be one of my heroes provided you have never referred to something cool as “money.” And if you’ve ever added, “baby” then:

8. Anyone who has ever made fun of you for saying, “That’s money, baby.”

You deserved it. I’m sorry. I know there has to be at least one of you here, and it’s important that you look back on this time of your life as not good.  But the good news is that you have changed and its highly unlikely that Jon Favreau will ever come up with another “buzz” phrase for dorks.

9.  The Creative team behind the “Head on” Commercials

This is because they’ve broken down advertising to its simplest form: Repetition of the message. And it worked.  I’m in the field so I really appreciate how they’ve entirely eliminated all the creativity and work that goes into a campaign. Head on: Apply directly to your forehead.  I don’t even know why. I just do it. There’s simply no better forehead application for something to do with something happening to your head, I’m pretty sure. My forehead has never been shinier and aside from the headaches it gives me, I have to say I’m loving it.

"Ummm... Mr. Director? I think someone accidentally gave me a gluestick."

 10.  David Blaine

He floats on air. Anyone that can float gets my grand prize and comes as close to an actual super hero as anyone on this list.  Also, he’s best friends with Leonardo DiCaprio, which isn’t a quality that makes him one of my heroes, just pointing out that you would probably have to do something cool like being able to float to be best friends with Leonardo DiCaprio.  I can cup my hands and make an owl noise, which I doubt is going to win me any big celebrity friends.  And you know when they first met he asked him to float like a million times. “Everyone, this is David. David this is everyone. David can float. Watch this. Do it. Do it.”

Here's David performing his never before seen "miniature woman growing out of his armpit." Take that, Chris Angel.

And so ends today’s list, but there are many more and I’m sure new ones that are just biding their time to do something kick ass in exchange for my adulation.  If you would like to be considered as one of my heroes, include in your comment something you’ve done that should qualify you.  As you can see, it doesn’t take much.  I look forward to worshipping you.

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